The 2015 NFL season kicks off tonight in Foxboro with the Patriots and Steelers. And it’s about damn time.
I can’t remember an NFL off-season quite as annoying as this past one. Think about all the terrible stories that have littered our football abyss:
- Is Chip Kelly a racist?
- Can Johnny Manziel get his life together?
- Does Roger Goodell do anything well?
- Eternal Deflate-Gate coverage
- And every single story about the irrelevant Washington Redskins
I LOATHE the NFL offseason. Mark Cuban may have been right . . . Roger Goodell and company are getting awful greedy. Their quest to make the league a year round entity has led to over-coverage of OVER-COVERAGE. Hey red-headed hammer . . . isn’t this league about . . . the games?
Yes, Rog. Yes. Love, the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Now that football’s actually back, it’s time to bring back another fan favorite [?], my themed power rankings! This week? We’re using ’90s TV shows:
The Nanny
1,105. Washington I-Don’t-Give-A-Sh*ts
Not going to lie, I actually enjoyed this show. But that’s not the point. THIS is:
Daniel Snyder creating reports that “prove” that Redskins isn’t a racist name. Jay Gruden whining after being called fat. Backup quarterback Robert Griffin III’s escapades on social media. All of these are worse than Fran’s laugh. Hey Rog, while you’re busy over-punishing the world with your iron robo-fists, could you send the ‘Skins to the phantom zone?
K, thanks.
Full House
31. San Francisco 49ers
30. Cleveland Browns
Per Wikipedia, this is the premise of Full House:
“After news reporter Danny Tanner’s wife, Pam, is killed in a car crash by a drunk driver, he recruits his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis (an exterminator turned rock musician) and quirky best friend Joey Gladstone (who works as a stand-up comedian) to help raise his three daughters.”
So Danny’s wife dies, then HE INVITES a “rock musician” and “stand up comedian” to live with him. I mean, I guess that’s better than the 49ers (“Uhh, did our whole team retire?”) and Browns (“Josh Gordon got suspended for the 100th time, but hey at least we got Josh McCown!”) offseasons. Slightly.
Saved By The Bell
29. Oakland Raiders
28. Tennessee Titans
27. Jacksonville Jaguars
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Four young quarterbacks. Four lousy teams. How will they get through the high school that is the NFL? . . . Yeah, that was terrible.
Here’s the big question. Between Derek Carr, Marcus Mariota, Blake Bortles, and Jameis Winston, which quarterback will actually live up to the expectations on their shoulders? Because let’s be honest, no one on Saved By The Bell did.
Zack got into Yale with a 1502 SAT. And . . . decided to go to Cal U. Slater received a wrestling scholarship to the University of Iowa. And . . . ALSO decided to go to Cal U. Screech gets into every college he applied to . . . yet goes to Cal U. Cal U better be one hell of a school, children.
PS – Here’s hoping that none of these four end up like Ryan Leaf/Screech: In Jail.
Dawson’s Creek
25. New York Jets
Remember the episode where I.K. Enemkpali smashed Geno Smith’s jaw?
E.R.
24. Carolina Panthers
Because Star Lotulelei, Ryan Kalil, Josh Norman, and Kelvin Benjamin are banged up or injured! Get it?
Walker, Texas Ranger
23. Chicago Bears
The show that always kept you coming back. But not because it was anything special. Walker, Texas Ranger was all cheese, bad one liners, and Chuck Norris doing Chuck Norris things. You know the only reason to watch this show was to do so ironically.
Enter Jay Cutler:
2015: If You Hate Jay Cutler’s Attitude, You Don’t Know The Real Jay
2014: Jay Cutler On Fans Burning Jersey: “It’s Not The First Time”
2013: Jay Cutler, Most Hated Athlete In Chicago? In The Entire NFL?
2012: Jay Cutler’s Likability Problem
2011: Chicago Bears’ Jay Cutler Not A Likable Player
Bears fans . . . enjoy hate-watching your way through the 2015 season.
King Of The Hill
22. St. Louis Rams
21. Atlanta Falcons
I never understood this show’s appeal. I’m supposed to laugh while watching it, right? But there are many things I don’t understand.
- Like how Jeff Fisher still has a job with the Rams despite 3 sub .500 seasons.
- Or why St. Louis gave new quarterback Nick Foles a two year extension before he even played a game.
- Or why Falcon quarterback Matt Ryan’s nickname – “Matty Ice” – is a play on a beer you’d only buy on a budget.
Only in America, I guess.
Everybody Loves Raymond
20. Miami Dolphins
Speaking of “Holy Crap”, you should say that in response to anyone who believes the Dolphins AREN’T the AFC’s St. Louis Rams.
- Oh, they signed Ndamukong Suh? Joe Philbin is still their head coach.
- Oh, Ryan Tannehill is about to make the leap? Joe Philbin is still his head coach.
- Also, remember when the Dolphins signed Mike Wallace, Brian Hartline, and Dannell Ellerbe to huge contracts? They’re not there anymore.
P.S. – Joe Philbin is the Miami Dolphins’ head coach.
Family Matters
19. Buffalo Bills
18. Houston Texans
Great teams are like great families. The more quality people you’ve got in that unit, the better that unit’s chances of success. You’re welcome for pointing out the extremely obvious.
But here’s the problem: that great team won’t do a damn thing without a quarterback. Just like Winslow’s asses would have been canceled without Steve Urkel.
PS – R.I.P Key & Peele
Freaks and Geeks
17. Minnesota Vikings
16. Kansas City Chiefs
Freaks and Geeks was a pretty good show. But like all shows that get canceled after just one season, it wasn’t quite as good as the hipsters who watched the show from day one want you to believe.
I get that same feeling about the Vikings. EVERYONE sees them taking another step forward this season. They like head coach Mike Zimmer. And they LOVE quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. But Vikings fever is getting a little too trendy for my liking. I’ll move them up the rankings when they prove they belong.
The Chiefs are in that same category. Sure, Justin Houston and Jamaal Charles are good. But no matter how much Broncos QB Peyton Manning may be regressing, he can still outscore Alex “What Are Wide Receivers” Smith.
Home Improvement
15. San Diego Chargers
14. New York Giants
13. New Orleans Saints
12. Detroit Lions
With Philip Rivers, Eli Manning, Drew Brees, and Matt Stafford, these four franchises have their Tim Allens. But the rest of their rosters? You’d need an entire season of Tool Time for each.
Now if they had MacGyver hanging around . . .
Are You Afraid Of The Dark?
11. Cincinnati Bengals
“Once, there was a team of talented men. From A.J. Green to Geno Atkins and Jeremy Hill, the Bengals proudly prowled the jungle known as the AFC North. But the mighty beast had one major flaw: a quarterback who’s actually afraid of the dark. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story, Oh F*ck, Andy Dalton is our Starting Quarterback . . .”
The Simpsons
10. Denver Broncos
I’m sure The Simpsons was significantly better in the ’90s than it is today. But it’s tough for me to forget what I’ve seen recently . . . not to mention what’s supposedly to come. I mean come on, they were going to have Homer and Marge separate this season.
I’m feeling the same way about Peyton Manning and the Broncos as I do about the Simpsons. Manning had another fantastic regular season in ’14. But against the Colts in the divisional round, he looked completely out of sync. Odds are he’ll look that way towards the end of ’15 too.
The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
9. Pittsburgh Steelers
There are few opening credits than can touch the Fresh Prince rap. And there aren’t a whole lot of offenses that can touch the Steelers. They’ve got arguably the best receiver and running back in the game with Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. Plus, a future Hall of Fame quarterback in Ben Roethlisberger, and promising young talent next to Brown with Martavis Bryant.
As for their defense . . . it’s probably going to earn Pittsburgh the “Jazz” treatment come playoff time.
PS – Bell and Bryant need to lay off the reefer.
Friends
8. Indianapolis Colts
7. Philadelphia Eagles
Easily the 90’s most overrated show. Much like Indy and Philly, whose preseason hype I just can’t understand.
The Colts signed a couple of elderly offensive players – Andre Johnson and Frank Gore – who are likely on the decline. The offensive line is still shaky at best. And their defense? Still soft up the middle. Trent Cole isn’t changing that.
Meanwhile, the Eagles traded for always-injured quarterback Sam Bradford. And once again – after losing Jeremy Maclin and trading LeSean McCoy – have completely replaced their main offensive weapons.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think these teams are bad. I just don’t buy them as the Super Bowl favorites – especially the Colts – that many are making them out to be.
PS – Ross is the worst.
Wow, this guy really reminds me of someone . . . WAIT A MINUTE
South Park
6. Baltimore Ravens
5. Arizona Cardinals
There are a few things you can count on in life: Death. Taxes. That South Park season 19 – starting next Wednesday, might I add – will still deliver. And that John Harbaugh – despite being an insufferable whiner that doesn’t know the rules – and Bruce Arians will have well coached teams that over-achieve.
Married With Children
4. New England Patriots
When Married With Children was in its prime, there was no middle ground. You either loved the show’s raunchy offensive nature. Or you absolutely hated it.
The Patriots are the exact same way . . . though with probably a few more haters. And they’re just as predictable as the show. They’ll tick someone off by disregarding/bending/breaking the rules . . .
Score four touchdowns or so . . .
And ultimately . . .
Seinfeld
3. Dallas Cowboys
2. Green Bay Packers
1. Seattle Seahawks
There’s no touching Seinfeld. And in my book, these three teams are far and away the best in the league. The big question: who will be missed least?
- Former Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray
- Injured Packers wide receiver Jordy Nelson
- Or hold out Seahawks safety Kam Chancellor?
We shall see.
HOW IT’LL ALL PLAY OUT:
AFC SOUTH
1. Indianapolis Colts – 1 Seed
2. Houston Texans – Wild Card #2
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Tennessee Titans
Yes, Jim Mora. I am that optimistic about the Texans. And I’ll be honest, it scares me. Especially with all these “If Factors”:
- Jadeveon Clowney’s health (who looked OH so good in the latest episode of Hard Knocks blowing by Duane Brown)
- Brian Cushing’s health (who based off of a couple of pass deflections against the Broncos and Saints, looks like he’s back to form)
- That Arian Foster will be back by the ever important week 5 game against the Colts (the first four games are quite winnable)
- That the offensive line will stabilize itself by the end of the year. (I’m skeptical of this)
- And that Bill O’Brien can get a Alex Smith-esque performance from Brian Hoyer in ’15. (Gotta say, his two preseason – yes preseason – touchdown drives with the first team offense have me feeling mildly optimistic).
If is a pretty big word for only two letters. And I’m basing expectations on five of them. Insane. I know.
Still, this defense has more talent – on paper – than any past Texans team. The front seven and cornerback positions are loaded. And then remember the schedule. You’ve got four LOCKS against the Jaguars and Titans. And three more layups against the banged up Panthers, Jameis Winston led Buccaneers, and the messy New York Jets. Are three wins against the following middle of the road teams too much to ask?
- Sunday, September 13: Kansas City Chiefs
- Sunday, October 4: at Atlanta Falcons
- Sunday, October 25: at Miami Dolphins
- Monday, November 16: at Cincinnati Bengals (coming off a bye week)
- Sunday, November 29: New Orleans Saints
- Sunday, December 6: at Buffalo Bills
I think that’s very doable. And in winning half of the games above, the Texans could still afford to lose ALL THREE of their games against playoff locks: October 8th and December 20th against the Colts, plus December 13th against the Patriots.
AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots – 3 Seed
2. Buffalo Bills
3. Miami Dolphins
4. New York Jets
AFC NORTH
1. Baltimore Ravens – 2 Seed
2. Pittsburgh Steelers – Wild Card #1
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns
AFC WEST
1. Denver Broncos – 4 Seed
2. Kansas City Chiefs
3. San Diego Chargers
4. Oakland Raiders
NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints – 4 Seed
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Carolina Panthers
NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys – 2 Seed
2. Philadelphia Eagles – Wild Card #2
3. New York Giants
4. Washington Redskins
NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers – 1 Seed
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Detroit Lions
4. Chicago Bears
NFC WEST
1. Seattle Seahawks – 3 Seed
2. Arizona Cardinals – Wild Card #1
3. St. Louis Rams
4. San Francisco 49ers
THE PLAYOFFS
WILD CARD
(3) Patriots over (6) Texans
(5) Steelers over (4) Broncos
(3) Seahawks over (6) Eagles
(5) Cardinals over (4) Saints
DIVISIONAL
(2) Ravens over (3) Patriots
(5) Steelers over (1) Colts
(2) Cowboys over (3) Seahawks
(1) Packers over (5) Cardinals
CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND
(2) Ravens over (5) Steelers
(2) Cowboys over (1) Packers
SUPERBOWL 50
Ravens over Cowboys
May the odds be ever in Paulstrodamus’s favor.
Paul Gallant co-hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or at his facebook page: Paul Gallant: SportsRadio610.
